~Oh the Mind~

Oh the mind...the mind can be a challenge or a blessing...this morning my mind was a challenge...I don't even want to admit to what it was thinking and visualizing...

I go through the day thinking, "I thought I did right!" I was always thanking God for time...and that I had time for doing things that needed to be done and things I enjoyed. Time became a blessing after dealing with all of the treatments and appointments during breast cancer. Sometimes I would walk around the house and just smile, looking up to God and saying, "I  have time! Thank you!" (I know my cancer is not a punishment...or whatever.)

In just a few weeks, after "they" determine my cancer type and my course of treatment...time will not be mine. I know, I even said back during breast cancer time, "I will not schedule my life around appointments, I will schedule my appointments around my life"... or something like that. I didn't want my appointments being the focal point. But in all honesty, during the times of dealing with the cancer, you lose time. I know this.

The reason having cancer hit me hard this time is because (I can be blunt) this cancer can't just be "lopped off" and then I deal with treatments to flush out whatever is left. This cancer is IN me. It is something totally new to me to have to deal with. Scary? Yes! Someone I met a few months ago while after having the x-ray that showed spots looked me in the eyes and said, "Do NOT be afraid!" Okay, yep, got it! 

Well in all honesty, sometimes fear does creep in. I am not afraid to die...no. I am afraid of leaving my family. I am so important you know...ha ha! Seriously, I can get challenged in thinking of how they will go on. The unknown. I find myself thinking of my husband and my special needs son. They have a wonderful relationship but I don't want to leave everything to my husband to deal with all alone. AND I want to have many more years watching our son grow more and learn more. I love those two so dearly. My oldest? We have a wonderful relationship and he has a fantastic wife. I want to be here for him and them too. I love watching them grow together.

Do not be afraid! So, my mind...it can challenge me...when I begin to think negatively, I say to God as I look up to Him, "I take captive every thought and give it up to you!" That helps! I talk things over with God.

I tell God, "you know, you could take this cancer away and have nothing show up on the PET scan. That would be wonderful!" He could do that! I also know that this could be a journey that I will have to take dealing with the cancer, treatments, and appointments. 

I will not know what the cancer is or where it is until February 6. Really, there is no reason for me to sit around wondering about it.

It is  time to take God by the hand and say, "here we go! We are on this adventure! You've got me!"

Sure He gave me the words Trust and Hope! Giving and receiving go hand in hand and must take place. I do receive Trust and Hope...but to be honest...sometimes I have to pray for them back...to hang onto them. 

The thing is, really I should just have freedom of mind in Him because I know nothing yet. I know I have some type of cancer. That is all I  know! 

I am thankful for my family and friends who encourage and pray for me. I am truly blessed! I am so very thankful that I have God in my life! I have no idea what people without Him do...how they handle difficult issues. 

With God, there are blessings! There is trust and hope. God sees the big picture! I grin as I think what I am about to type next...I could ask God, "why do some seem to have a  better picture than I? They have not lost parents or a sister. They have never had a (benign) brain tumor or breast cancer. They have never....." but also my picture is being painted by the Creator of the Universe. He knows all! Sees all! Is in all! My big picture is in His hands and He understands me like no other and He knows my weaknesses! My Creator Father, has His reasons as to why my big picture is different than others. 

Trust & Hope!