~Surviving~

Well whew! What a week last week was. Gonna be real as ever here so read me or not...up to you! (grins).

Last week was the VERY rough stuff week! That Taxol really does me in...but you know what I found out yesterday at my more tolerable chemo treatment time? I learned that I am receiving TRIPLE the amount of the tough stuff that I got 3 years ago. Okay, so 3 years ago I went weekly for 12 weeks and now I go monthly for indefinite...but Sheesh! Triple the amount of nasty chemo? It is no wonder I a have a hellish 5 days because of that! 

During those 5 hellish days...I feel so brain dead and energy dead. During those days...I ache...I ache so badly...and I am so fatigued...and dizzy...I am useless.

I was sharing with my husband just last night that during those hellish days when I can barely move, I either sleep in bed or couch or sit on the love seat staring at the television and not really paying attention. I told him that I feel like a person in a "home" that just sits and stares and nothing sinks in my brain. It's the oddest feeling. As far as reading anything...forget it...I sit like a zombie...well sometimes I don't as I have to wiggle my feet to alleviate the pain. 

I feel bad for my family dealing with all of this as I go through it. I especially feel bad for my youngest who knows what's going on even with his different way of thinking. He told my husband the other day, "mom's sick." I am sad! I am sad that he doesn't have the mom he really needs during about 2 weeks a month and truly not during my hellish days. I am sad that he has to see me in "zombie" mode. I just sad for him. I know he gets it in his way. I was just thinking today of when I was young and my mom had breast cancer. I knew she was sick. I knew what could happen. I spent as much time as I could with her. I dealt with it as I could at that age. So, I suppose my son deals with it as best he can. But...I am still sad that he has to.

I have prayed to Father for my son to have Joy and Peace in all of this. I even prayed for angels to be with him as he needs them...angels to do whatever it is that brings him comfort. 

This week is the more tolerable week...I can actually pace myself and function. Then my two weeks of freedom!!! Yes, I do have the PET scan the 14th but that is easy peasy! I sit in this radiation proof room in a recliner for an hour and a half  but I can listen to my music or podcasts...and the PET scan tube is nothing like claustrophobic MRI tubes that I had to deal with during my brain tumor. This scanner is open at both ends and I can see the techies and hear them talking.

I am thankful that last week is in the past. I will forget how hellish it was until I experience it again...that's what I do...blank out negatives...not just in this situation but in most. 

I am trying to think if I have said all I want to say here now. It feels good to work my brain again and that it can work again. During hellish days, my brain is nearly in "park". Like I said, it's the oddest feeling. It just sits there. Even when I talk with people, words and tones don't seem to come out as I wish.

Well, I avoid phone calls during those days. I can formulate a text...maybe because I am better at writing than talking (grins). 

I like to do as much as I can mentally and physically during this adventure time...it makes me feel like I am useful and worthwhile.

I guess I am done for now. Thank you again for your prayers, encouragement, and support. You have no idea how much it all means to me!