~Mumblings an Grumblings...gotta get 'em out~

So this week I had the double chemo tough stuff treatment on Monday...knowing I'd be down for at least 3 days later in the week.

I did get to enjoy time out with my husband and son Tuesday. Wednesday hit...and I started going down for the count. I know each person who has chemo has a different experience. Each treatment is "catered" to him or her and  yes we can have the same treatments but different affects on each of us. My oncologist told me that not all experience the total body, bone, and muscle aches that I do from this tougher treatment...the 5 hour 2 chemo med treatment. Well, "lucky them!" I thought when she told me.

This isn't going to be a woo-hoo pick me up and feel good blog. I am going to tell you my experience with the nasty chemo. As I sit in the chair on the Monday of such an experience, it's not too bad. My chemo nurses give me different bags of drip stuff. Some of it is Benadryl, some is to keep me from feeling sick to my stomach, some is the chemo...they tell me what is in each bag as they hook it to the pole. So, on Monday I am feeling okay. When the Benadryl is put on, I start getting sleepy.

When I am home after the long day between traveling and sitting (probably about 6 1/2 or 7 hours) I don't feel like doing much of anything...so I don't. This past week dinner was brought to us which was wonderful! (dinners were brought on my worst nights this week and I so appreciate that!)

Tuesday I usually have decent energy and can be out and about doing things...enjoying the time I have and making the most of it.

Wednesday morning...it all begins...I start going down for the count. The chemo slowly takes over...begins to crawl inside every inch of my body. My arms begin to feel like noodles...my legs get wobbly...dizziness takes over my head...I can function to eat and prepare to sit or lie around for the next couple of days.

Thursday...Thursday I am one big ache. This time I had pain meds but still felt the aches coursing through my bones and muscles. I was thankful for the pain med. I could take it every 6 hours...and I did on Thursday...I learned Friday that I really couldn't stretch it to 8 hours...as much as I tried. The nausea is taken care of by a med also. My stomach rolls all day long but I don't feel like tossing everything because of the med. Walking? HA! No way! When I get up, I nearly topple over from noodle legs and dizziness. I can't even pick things up to hold. Frustration sets in as I can't do anything. I am gross. I don't shower. I don't read. I rest on the love seat trying to be part of the family here. Eating? Gross! I have to force down the most plain tasting things. I have learned that on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday pomegranate juice feels like it flows energetically through my body. There are a few things I choose to eat or drink at an attempt of energy. Thursday, though, Thursday just forget it! I can barely lift my head!

Oh, and each of these 3 days...well...I need medicinal help trying to flush my body out. Gross but true.

Friday comes along and there is a slight burst of feeling like I can prepare my own breakfast...which I do...then I crash. Friday I am still a noodle body with some dizziness. 

Saturday...there is more energy as my body adjusts to the dizziness and noodle feelings leaving.

Monday I will have the 2 hour one chemo med treatment. Wednesday through Saturday I will likely just have the wobbles, fatigue, and drop for naps frequently. The aches and pains aren't really involved here. 

Saturday...oh (next)Saturday...I will begin to feel like a human being again! I will get two weeks of freedom from chemo! I will be able to function! Then again April 22, I will take in the 5 hour treatment...and repeat the days. Following the 29th (2 hour treatment) I will set up another PET scan to see what all is going on in the lymph nodes with cancer.

I know this wasn't the most upbeat blog. To be quite honest, it didn't fully describe how awful my days can be. I believe it's the worst experience I have had in my lifetime. When I had brain surgery, my healing time was interesting as I was not filtered (so my family tells me) and I was loving the pain meds (they also tell me). I did lose some long term memory with it but...I could never fully help you feel how awful it is to have the streams of chemo flowing through your body...how your stomach just flips and turns with the poison...how you WANT to be pleasant and polite when words come out of your mouth...how frustrating it is to feel so terrible that you just want to cry but crying only makes you feel worse...how you want to express to family and those who truly encourage you and pray for you how much it means to you! If it were not for the love and support of my family and friends...and for Jesus...these truly rough days would be extremely hellish! 

I would not wish these issues on my worst enemy! I just read all that I wrote about this experience and smirked at myself because quite honestly, I didn't do the nasty effects justice. I can't. There are many words to describe them to you and I do love words. I guess, just imagine dizziness beyond comprehension, extreme aches in all of your bones and muscles, knees that feel like they will collapse when you stand up, arms that feel like they are just hanging off your shoulders, and legs that feel like they will flop on you as you try to stand. I guess that better describes my worst day. Even as you sit, the room spins...so you close your eyes. And you, you are the only person to deal with it all...it's yours...yours alone...and you just want to cry but you don't want to cry because you get more congested...more dizzy...more fatigued...so you just wait for these horrible times to pass....until you meet the chemo chair again on Monday.