~Mostly Okay~

On days when I am feeling mostly okay, I just want to plant myself in my computer chair and type away....whatever comes to mind...just flow from my brain to my fingertips...let it goooooooo...I think that would be relaxing, therapeutic, enjoyable...so what would I write about? Who knows...but honestly at one time a year or so ago I felt the need to write a devotional/inspirational book for ladies going through breast cancer...I started working on it...and now got side-tracked.

When I found out I had secondary breast cancer in lymph nodes, in all honesty, I became dis-heartened about writing that book. How could I write a book while I once again face cancer...a new cancer...a cancer that I will be treating indefinitely...until God heals it. I just couldn't get excited about it anymore.

And this week is more difficult...as you know by now I am nothing but raw honesty here. This week was the easier treatment but I was more discouraged. I kept thinking, "is this my new normal? Two weeks of treatments then two weeks of freedom? Is this my life from now on?" God is gentle with me. He whispered, "oh, my dear daughter, you need your trust back." The scripture about doing all things without grumbling our complaining also came to mind. I scolded myself. 

But those thoughts kept hitting me during the week and each time I would hear Father sadly sigh. I would tell Him I knew He could heal me and that was what I wanted...you all know by now I want to be here for a long healthy life with my family and all.

I would feel His warmth...His fatherly tenderness...and thank Him for His patience with me.
My head knows that He can heal. My head knows to take this thing one day at a time. He reminded me not to look past today...that He is with me to lean on or walk beside me day by day. 

I will be honest, I have seen my oldest sister get a secondary breast cancer. I believe within two years of her diagnosis, she was heaven bound. I remember the last time she came to visit family. I honestly had no clue that would be the last time she saw all of us. She was so lovely. So gracious. So into her family while she was  visiting. Just five months later she would be gone. So, yes, I get those thoughts in my head...like...will I have all these treatments too and just be gone in a couple years? I have dear family I want to be with...see grow...selfish? Well, yes! I think we can all be selfish in thoughts about our family. I want to be here with them through their good times and bad...to do things together that will forever be in our hearts and minds. So, yes, Father gets after me for those more depressing thoughts too. He reminds me that we are all different and our time here is all different. He reminds me that HE knows and holds my future. He again reminds me to Trust Him...to have Hope.

I do have Hope and Trust as He is Life and Truth! I just have momentary lapses when negativity tries to settle in...and I have to look to Father! He is my comfort and strength.

So as for writing a book...I still want to. On my good days, I want to sit down and start working on it again because I CAN write for ladies with "regular" breast cancer...I have been there! It will be something more fun for me to do...something to use my brain for in a positive way...this blog will continue of course as this is my therapy...but writing...writing is my oxygen! I want to get back to what I was working on. 

I know this may have saddened some of you...what I had to say up above...but...it is my mind...sometimes I get in a melancholy funk...but I get out of it! Jesus is my Rock...my soul singer...yes He sings for me...it says so in my bible...and He is the Lover of my Soul! In Him I put my faith...hope...trust...and life!