I wasn't quite sure what it was the other day. At first I told myself it was a sadness. People don't face sadness enough. It's an emotion most of us avoid or just sort of fluff over. But it wasn't sadness. I do know I am dealing with anticipation...wondering the results of my PET scan and wondering about my new treatments.
I have asked Father to allow me to have much less difficult treatments. I have asked Him to let me have treatments in which I can still feel fairly decent and be able to do a lot of normal life things....anticipation!
No! It wasn't the anticipation that "got" me. I came to realize that it is something I honestly don't believe I have dealt with much...discouragement. I don't like it! I talked to myself and to Father about it. Okay...I am tired of having cancer. I know it hasn't even been a year since my diagnosis, but I am tired of it. I am tired of it being a part of my life. Sure! I know that cancer doesn't define who I am, but it is a reality...a part of my life. I ignore it for the most part when I am not having treatments. It's been wonderful these past few weeks of freedom from treatments. So, I guess some of the discouragement is the fact that I will have to begin treatments again. The break will soon be over.
It's not just cancer that brought discouragement...there are other things...life things...You all think I am more or less an open book. I am sitting here laughing at that! Of course I am open about this adventure with cancer. I was open about dealing with my brain tumor also. My personality type appears to be open, but in reality it is not! My personality type shares what I feel safe to share. It is safe to share my experiences on this adventure because I want to make people aware of what it is like and what I am going through.
I had shared the horrors of chemo. My sister who has also been through chemo told me I didn't do it justice. I laughed and told her I didn't want to totally horrify the people who read my blog. Chemo...what I had...is honestly the most horrific thing I have experienced as far as what it feels like physically and what it does to me physically. I could never truly describe what it is like to go through. So, I don't.
Yes, discouragement of other things...things my personality won't open up and share with you...I am not an open book. I may talk a mile a minute and I may chit chat with absolute strangers and I may be all friendly and smiley....and those things, my friend, are me and they are all sincere...but there is much I lock inside my heart, soul, and mind.
No! Cancer won't define me. I will have times of discouragement; I have realized. Discouragement is frustrating (yes I am laughing inside my head because it wouldn't be discouraging if it wasn't frustrating). Of course I talk with Father about it. I have His peace and joy...so is the opposite of being discouraged...having courage? dis....courage...thinking this through...I suppose it is. I looked up the definition...courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.
I always thought I had courage in going through this thing. I believe I have mental strength with the help of Father and the encouragement and prayers of friends and family. I also believe I can withstand fear or difficulty with those. What about "persevere"? It is to continue steadfastly in spite of difficulty or discouragement. Well, that may sound silly to you...and I laughed a little myself...of course I have to continue in this adventure...unless of course this cancer is healed and disappears...but as far as I know, this is a path I am on at this point in my life. So, I am to continue steadfastly. I know that Father is always with me. I also believe that He can relate to discouragement.
I have no doubt that Father becomes discouraged with us...His kids, but He continues on with us...loving us...leading us...holding us...being our strength. I know now that I will have moments of discouragement but with God...WITH God...I can get through them...He is my Hope! He is my Life! In Him I Trust! He is Truth! Father God is my Strength...my Rock! Isn't that just so fantastic!!! My soul can hardly contain itself as I write this to you!!! In fact my fingers fumble as I type because that is all so fantastic!!!
Be blessed!
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