It's been an interesting week and a half. The results of my PET scan were not what I expected or wanted...my oncologist was surprised also and not in a good way. It showed little change but some slight growth in my lungs and now there is a 2 cm tumor in my liver. This news kind of shook me.
I am supposed to get a biopsy on the tumor in my liver and if it is cancerous that biopsy may possibly be used for immunotherapy. That has yet to be scheduled. I am also going to begin to see doctors who work with breast cancer at U of M. My oncologist told me they use a variety of methods and medicines to deal with cancer that our local hospitals can't use or do as U of M is a learning/teaching hospital. That appointment has been set up but may be changed as that team needs the liver biopsy to know what all we are dealing with.
This past week and a half has been more rough on me emotionally. There is no routine as to what I am doing yet so that doesn't help me. The last chemo treatment I had was July 29th. That's great and all that I don't have to go through weeks feeling awful but I want something being done for my cancer.
The nice thing is that the neuropathy isn't nearly as bad and the balls of my feet feel more like there is dead skin on them than numbness now. My fingertips are regaining feeling also.Oh, and my hair is beginning to grow back...eyelashes and eyebrowes too. I have no idea if this will continue as I have no idea what my treatments will be.
I haven't been the "me" I like to be this past week and half. I will be totally, well mostly, open here with you now. My thoughts have not been good thoughts. When I am going through treatments I know things are being taken care of and I have a schedule of things to do. I have had too much thinking time lately.
As I said, my thoughts have not been good thoughts...I guess I will share some of them with you...I start to envision my funeral...I won't describe what I see...or I start to envision my husband and youngest son alone together in our home...again I won't tell you what my mind sees...or I envision my oldest and his wife...(tearing up here as I write). I put those thoughts to an end by talking to Father. But they pop up daily while I have no routine for the cancer. I know those thoughts are not from Him so I talk with Father about them and stopping them.
This has been a discouraging week for me. (smiling now as I remember)...There have been times when I have been alone with Father when I tell Him that I need encouragement. You know what? He taps someone on the shoulder or something when I tell Him that because every time I have told Him that almost immediately someone sends encouragement.
One day it was a song...one day it was poetic thoughts...one day it was words from a friend...it's been something in a different form each time. Every time someone encourages me, I thank them for the encouragement and I thank them for being obedient to our Father. He let them know I needed the encouragement, they listened, and they responded (obeyed). You all have no idea what that does to my heart and soul!
Sometimes I want to be in a room that is full of music...full of music so that everything is blocked. I can only hear the songs. I don't think. I just take in every song. Sometimes I want to be at a beach taking in the smells and watching the waves wash ashore in the warmth of the sun. Sometimes I want to be in the woods with animals scurrying and birds singing...a breeze floating through the tree branches.
God speaks to me when my mind wanders to such places. I hear Him say, "I have a place prepared for you. It's all ready." I look up to Him thanking Him and telling Him I am not ready for that place yet. Oh I am ready as far as my spirit and soul being ready but I am not ready as far as my heart. I tell Him that I still want to live a long life with my family. He knows the cry of my heart. Then I hear that angel from my AWEsome day say, "she's not supposed to know"....and the giggle of another angel a bit later as we were all together. I still have no idea what I am not supposed to know.
I do know that Father God knows that I want to live long with my family...as I have said. I do hear Him or feel the words..."your place is prepared" and I sense His warmth and compassion as I feel Him say "oh My child, if you only knew what you could have". It's a tenderness that I feel in His warmth.
So, I don't know what lies ahead. I tell Him, "You know, You could heal me fully...just You! We also both know that You could work with treatments and heal me...or just let me have to deal with treatments." It's true...I don't know...I know nothing. One thing I do know is that I fully trust Father and whatever He decides to do.
I have to keep talking to Father...telling Him to clear my mind...telling Him that I know He is all about Life and Truth and my Hope and Trust is in Him.
Thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. Whenever you feel the urge to encourage someone in whatever way...do it! Those thoughts are not generally your own...they are sent from Father somehow to you. So, listen and respond (obey). You may never know how much of an impact it has on the one you encourage!
Lariann,
ReplyDeleteI admire your strength, along with that of many others in my life.
Our family has quite a background in both love and heartache, strength and weakness.
This spring, as you know, I had a stroke. There have been so many different life changes/challenges since then. I was fortunate, not to have any lingering side effects from the stroke, other than being told I would be off work for one year. This after working for almost 35 years for the same company.
The doctors were a bit perplexed as to what caused my stroke, as I never smoked and don't partake of the alcoholic beverages. So they continued to run tests and check family history. First I learned I have a hole between the two sides of my heart, which they say I've had since birth. That set me to worrying, wondering if it would suddenly give out on me at an inconvenient moment. But I shrugged it off as much as possible, knowing I still have it so much better than others.
Then I learned I was denied any disability pay from work, as it was deemed "a regulatory issue, not a medical issue" that prevented me from returning to work. I continue to pursue a more desirable outcome from that situation.
Doctors would not take the risk of certifying me to return to work, as studies showed the risk of stroke reoccurrence within one year of having one, is increased. So I wait in limbo.
Most recently, they did an ultrasound on my liver because the enzyme levels were elevated to a point of concern. The ultrasound showed a cyst on my liver, though small 6mm. It turns out, my doctor is not concerned about it. So thankfully most medical issues have been out to rest, with the exception of a possible MRI on my head to check for areas of my brain that may in fact have been affected by the stroke. Hopefully it will be clear, and there will be no obstacles preventing me from returning to work, or giving me cause to take another direction in life. Whatever that may be.
Throughout this entire rollercoaster event, I had fear, doubt, loss of self confidence, loss of "not being in control" and just uncertainty of tomorrow.
But I kept telling myself how good I still have it, compared to so many others.
I see, from a distance, the struggles you and so many others go through. I think, "how much strength must they have to be dealing with what life is handing them" and you persevere.
Now I have never been an evangelical man, not a religious one. I am a Christian, however weak and poor excuse for one I may be. I came to terms with the fact that God's plan for me, is what it is, regardless of how much control I try to have over it. I came to terms with the fact that tomorrow is never promised, but that I have been VERY BLESSED to have lived the life that I have so far. I accepted the fact that God can call us home, at any time.
While there is a kind of relaxing reassurance to that, it isn't without the remorse of feeling like I would miss out on many different life events of my remaining family and friends. I Love Them. So I suppose that is a natural feeling.
But I want you to know Lariann, you are one of many people who show me so much strength through all of what life throws at us, even in your weakest moments.
God's plan will be what it is. He will use us to be whatever he needs us to be, to whomever needs it. No matter how big, or how small of an effect we may have on others. Often without knowing it.
My thoughts and prayers are always with you cousin.