~Ramblings~

I've got this...metastatic breast cancer...I know you know that. Never in a million years did I ever think I would have this...or simply breast cancer for that matter. "They" say that one in three women get breast cancer. Funny! I guess my family is/was above average. In some cases it's not so great to be above average.  My mom died from breast cancer at age 37. My oldest sister was 51 when she lost her battle. It had gone to her bones. My other sister had breast cancer and she is doing well. I got breast cancer in 2015 and now have metastatic breast cancer. The odds? Not grand as you see. The four of us in my family all got it. Two of us remain!

Some days I sit here in disbelief that I ever even had breast cancer. Then I see my port in the mirror and my reconstruction. Reconstruction is just that...it's nothing glamorous. It fills a bra. Oh I am in no way dissing my plastic surgeon. He is and was wonderful! But reconstruction is not like getting anything glamorous. So, then I realize, "yes, I did have a mastectomy due to breast cancer. Then I sit here mulling over the fact that now I have metastatic breast cancer...this cancer stuff roams freely without invitation throughout my body and it lands and makes tumors wherever it pleases. It has a mind of its own. 

This week started out and I was in a sort of grumpy mood...then I realized I wasn't so much grumpy as I was annoyed. They are different! I am annoyed that I have these cells coursing through me. I am annoyed that for the rest of my life I will have to have treatments and a variety of appointments and scans. Oh I know that Jesus can reach inside me and take all the cancer things out. Then my life won't be with cancer. So, I was just annoyed earlier this week. It happens. I deal with it. I sing Jesus-y songs and I talk to Him. We get through it!

I so love my alone time with Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit! I talk to them, read the bible, write in my journal, and listen. It's the best time ever! A year before I was diagnosed with this, I had started having these Inspirational Times. I looked forward to them daily. I still look forward to them. During these times I am heart to heart open and honest with Jesus. You think I am open here? (grins) You should hear what I share with Him! Na! That's just between  us! I really don't know how people manage in life without the Three...Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. My favorite...which we are probably not supposed to have...is the Holy Spirit. He is just so into me...haha! get it??? Do you huh? Do you get it? (laughing here)...The Holy Spirit is INto me...IN me! Okay so maybe that was a bit lame (laughing) but oh well! I love that He is in me...dwelling...guiding...counseling...my soul so enjoys Him! 

Oh you know, there is this group I could be a part of on Facebook. I am thinking about it. It's a Christian poetry group. I used to write poems a lot! I don't know about it now though. I mean I write this blog so that might be enough. I was thinking though that poetry could also help. It would help the more creative me! Something to think over anyhow! :)

Yes, this is a rambling day. I am laughing now because if you truly knew how my head was, well, I am not so sure you would believe me or you would think I was a total loon! I will tell you anyhow...I have this very imaginative head. I have no idea how it got the way it is but it has always been this way. Okay, yes, God created it this way. I know that! Do you really want me to tell you about my mind? How it operates...well some of how it operates?

Here goes...and this is fun for me cause I am not writing about cancer (grins)...okay...my mind...is constantly going...I either have some song going through it...my mind selects from a wide variety...or sometimes I have some sort of story going through it with people I can see but honestly have never seen before. This is how my mind works. It's actually quite fun! I enjoy my mind! Even when I am with people...even talking with people...these things can be going on in my mind. It's just how I am created. I am laughing because I guess this is "confession" time. Unless you have my personality type, you very likely will not understand my personality type and the way my mind works. I am okay with that!

My imagination may very well be a way that God has given me to cope with things in my life. That just hit me. The songs that play in my head...the people and their stories...as I said, since I can remember, they have been a part of me. (smiling) God knows what each of us need in our lives. He gave you something else... (laughing now) ...and that very well be why you don't understand what all I just said and a reason you may think I am totally a loon....because you don't have my playground of a mind.

I do escape in my mind as I need. I like it there! I think that sometimes I can get too into my mind and I lose track of what is going on around me or what is being said. My playground is full and entertaining! I also know that always the Holy Spirit is roaming through it. I feel His peaceful presence and I grin at times knowing that I have joy in spite of things going on in my life. There is wonderful peace and joy as I trust Father and feel that inner covering of the Holy Spirit. I feel Him coursing through my body...as it should be! I relax knowing that! Experiencing that!

Be blessed!