~Changes~

It's not the news I wanted. Everything has grown according to the CT scan results.

I cried...and tears still come..."People prayed and are praying", I told Father. "I know", he whispered back. "I don't lack faith!" I tearfully exclaimed to Him. Silence! 

He knows I want to be here for my family at length. I plead with Him daily for this. It is true I don't know how things will turn out with this cancer. I look at my son who brings everyone smiles and joy. My eyes water. I look at my husband who carries so much on his shoulders. I tell Father, "I want to be here with him to help him with everything. I do know that if I leave here, leaving him and our son, You would give him joy and peace and you would help him get through things. But I want to be here! I want to experience life together with my two guys at home for a long time." Father simply listens. 

Of course I want to be here for my oldest and his wife too. I enjoy watching them grow together. I thank Jesus almost daily for introducing them. My daughter-in-law is so dear...bold in her faith. The two of them balance each other. I enjoy watching them grow in Jesus and I enjoy hearing them tell me what all is going on in their lives. I cherish the relationship I have with my oldest son...always will! 

In tearing and talking quietly with Father, He reminds me that people ARE praying...I don't see the big picture. He reminds me that possibly this is all just a trial...as He said when I first started on this adventure..."this is something I have to endure."

He reminded me today, after some feelings of defeat, that He is my Life...the One who is always there alongside me. He was there before I even knew of this adventure...He knew it would happen. He is with me now. He knows what lies ahead. He is my Strength.

I talk with Him about my mom and oldest sister telling Him I wish they were here to share with me in how they dealt with their metastatic breast cancer. I know that both of them had joy and peace. They were beautiful examples. I have joy and peace. I tell Father that my husband and I are a good team. We are both good parents in our own ways to our sons. We "compliment" each other...balance each other. I know Father knows all of this. He introduced us back in college (grins).

So for now, I will likely go back and forth in my thinking. I will keep my faith of course. I will continue to "plead my case" with Father. My appointments with my oncologist and doctor are during the first week of November. Pray with me that all of the information they need will be in. Some has yet to come. 

I don't understand why I am to endure this. I know that I shouldn't ask "why?" but that I should ask "what do You want me to do with all of this?" 

This does help me to see life differently. I see some things that people do or worry about and wonder why. Some things are so insignificant. But you don't see things that way until life takes a turn.

Writing is my therapy and my passion. My thinking has calmed more now since I have been talking with you here. I was asked by some caring ladies at a cancer services place if I would want to join a support group. I looked at them, smiled, and simply said, "no." I then went on to explain that I prefer not to open up verbally...in fact I don't really...and that I write this blog and it is my therapy...and that I have people praying for me and encouraging me. My husband doesn't understand how I can be so open here. I tell him I can't be open verbally. When I write my mind comes through my fingers to the keyboard and therapy happens. I can't explain it. It is just how it is(smiles). 

Thank you for reading me. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Please pray for my husband also. He carries a lot. Pray for my sons and daughter-in-law too when God brings them to mind. I covet your prayers! 

Life is to be enjoyed moment by moment! I will continue doing so! As I said, there is no doubt I will have my teary times, but Father is always there for me. Jesus gives me joy and peace as I Trust and put my Hope in Him! He is Life and Truth!

Blessings!