~Mind's Eye~

I haven't written in a while....because I am not sure just what to express. All sorts of thoughts come as a cyclone around in my mind. I don't really want to focus on any of them.

I had my PET scan and will know the results in a few days.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking the worst, well the worst for my human mind...that I won't be here long for my family. I catch such thoughts, pray, and re-focus telling myself, "you still don't know what you're dealing with here!" Other times I go about my day as if there were no monster in my body...no horrible awful disease. 

I so appreciate my encouraging friends and family. I probably don't tell them enough just how much! 

My personality type is a bit odd...I don't like attention put on myself but I like to know I am cared about. I remember when I had the brain tumor and breast cancer and people, loving and wonderful people, would ask how I was doing. I would answer but I really didn't want to talk about myself. Perhaps because talking about it made it all too real or perhaps it was simply that I was more interested or concerned about what was going on in their life. What I know is that it is a conflict within my person, I fully appreciate care and concern for me! At the same time, I don't like to talk about myself but I realize that unless I tell the caring individual about myself, they will know nothing (grinning and sighing here).

I mostly go about my days as if there is nothing wrong with my insides. I do focus more on the things that I cherish. I find myself concentrating more on the words and expressions of my family. I love to hear my son sing along with his cd's or I smile inside when I look at his smiling face. I cherish the presence of my husband...just sitting and watching a show or simply being quiet in a room together, or sharing thoughts and ideas. Family time is precious.

I want to combat this monster in me. I don't even know what I am up against...yet. What I know is that whatever it is...oh and Lord have mercy I hope to keep my hair...anyhow...whatever it is I don't know the treatments yet either....so whatever it is...with God as my Warrior Healer, we will fight this! I have told God that I want to be here for a long, healthy life with my husband, sons, and daughter-in-law. 

I mostly stay pragmatic and positive...but this lady is ever so human and does deal with negatives creeping in at times. As those who know me know, I am real. I have no poker face. My soul is pretty transparent. 

With God, we have survived a  serious bout with pneumonia as an infant, a brain tumor, severe cellulitis, and breast cancer. 

"You (God) will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace for it is trusting in you."~Isaiah 26:3