~Port & Meltdown~

Yesterday my port was put in. We arrived on time. I was told the day could be a 4 to 6 hour day. The routine things took place for preparing me for the installation of my Medi-Port. 

The surgeon for my port installation came in the room and told my husband and I what all was going on with the port and the type of port it was...that it, being a Medi-Port, can also be used if I have a CT scan or for when I have the PET scan. I told her of my horrible experience with the first port so she said they would lightly sedate me.

Well the wheeling down the hallway was all good. The surgery rooms are so ugly. I guess they don't need to have the decor of Joanna Gaines. I transferred my body to the skinnier operating table/bed. There weren't many taking care of me but they all seemed to be talking at the same time telling me what they were doing. I had to turn my head to the right and the nurse on that side made like a tent over my head (after putting on the lovely surgical head dress) so that I could see and breathe without panic. The male nurse was fidgeting with the antibiotics and the other things to be pumped in me. They were both asking if I was doing okay. It was all a whirl-wind and their voices both sort of blended...I figured the light sedation had begun.

The male nurse slobbed some cold gel goo on my upper chest and prepared the area for the port. He was chattering the whole time about it being cold and how sorry he was. Whatever just slab me with the stuff! 

The surgeon lady began her procedures. Well, not being totally out as they did only sedate me lightly...the "speed" took affect! I chattered the entire time. I kept saying, "I'm sorry I am so gabby" but I really wasn't because in being so gabby I didn't have to think about what all I was lying there for and how it may be difficult to breathe...and the tugging on my veins and whatever she was doing inside there putting in the port and "connecting" it properly. So, I continued to ramble on and on about everyone in my family. I think I told her about what we all did over the weekend. All I  know as that when I am "high" I gab!!! The procedure took about 45 minutes as she said it would.

I was wheeled back to the room where my husband was waiting. I was woozie from the meds and not having anything to eat in forever. I drank my cranberry juice and began feeling better and was wheeled out of my room after about an hour. 

You bet we stopped for lunch soon after leaving the hospital. Then I came home and crashed for about 2 hours. My husband prepared dinner...and at dinner....I broke....

Maybe it was partly the drugs...and coming down from them...or maybe it was all me...my thoughts and feelings...all I know is tears began to form in my eyes but I didn't want our son to see...

I waited for him to finish eating and leave the table before I began to talk to my husband..."I don't want to do this again..." I said in a teary voice but not looking at him. "It's so tough on you guys and I hate it! And I don't want to go through chemo again!" I sputtered on a little and said what I knew God knew I was thinking anyhow, so I just said it all out loud and a few times! "It's just not fair! I ALWAYS thanked God daily for the past nearly 3 years (the time frame of being healthy after breast cancer) for Time, for my hair, and for just being able to enjoy life! I thanked Him DAILY! And look at this! I have cancer again! So much for being thankful! I honestly did have a thankful heart...daily!" Okay so I spilled it all out there. God knew it was in my head anyhow. I didn't feel like apologizing to Him for what I had said. Not yet!

My dear husband did his best to comfort me. There honestly isn't much anyone can say when I was in that frame of mind. I let my mind, soul, and heart settle down. I did apologize to God for sputtering and all but I followed up with..."But I WAS always thankful every day!"

I think the meds wore off more as my mind settled down more. The evening was better. Sometimes I think I will just have to have my muttering sputtering times. God knows my heart, soul, and mind! He created me. 

Most of the time I am okay. Sometimes things just hit! And they can hit hard!

Tomorrow I start chemo. I know that having a positive attitude...a truly positive one...helps get you through all of this cancer stuff. I know that deep down in my inner most being. That is why I talk with God so much...He is my Calm! He is my Strength! He is my Life!

I am thankful that He is patient with me. What I believe in my inner most being is that this cancer is something I will have to endure for a time...I have no idea for how long...but that God will answer my prayers and that I will have a long, healthy life with my family.

I keep Trust & Hope and Truth & Life alive!