~Random Ramblings~

It's been a bit since I last wrote here. Last week I began my chemo treatments. I forgot how horrible things are a few days later.

Before I truly begin rambling here, I want to say, in this blog I will be blunt. I will speak my heart, soul, and mind. If it offends you or if you think, "wow! She really lets it all out." I am okay with that because you, the reader, have the choice not to read me. I won't sugar coat here.

It's true I am a lady of hope and faith. I am a Jesus follower. I have fantastic days with Father (God) and I have heart to hearts with Him. So, here is where my heart, soul, and mind will fall out. The ramblings or coherent thoughts in this blog are from a lady you may or may not know. I know a variety of people read this. For all of you, know that I will never lose my faith in Jesus Christ! I will never give up hope! I will keep trust alive! I will keep Life and Truth before me!

Ever since I was a little girl, I have gone about my day talking to Jesus. That's just a part of who I am. I hide nothing from Him since He knows all anyhow (grins). I tell Him, "I may as well tell you.....as you know my mind anyhow." So, you, dear reader, may know some of who I am here also...or as I said, choose not to read me. The choice is yours and I won't prepare you for the thoughts and words that lie ahead as I have no clue what all will fall out onto this blog. I write and you can choose to pray for me. I cherish your prayers and thank you for them.

Now that all of that honesty is out of the way, I will write myself...my heart, mind, and soul....always here.

Chemo was last Wednesday for 5 hours. The chair time was fine. The company was interesting as some of the baby boomers got into a bit of a political talk for which my husband and I just kept our mouths closed! Most often that is the best choice!

Thursday was a pretty decent day. Friday...the chemo hit. I was pretty useless Friday to Sunday. I had severe aches throughout my body. I was totally wiped out and was in bed for hours at times. I tried to be up and about (at least sitting on the love seat) when I could to feel a little more human and be with family. There were times that I felt so awful that all I could do in the despair was quietly call out to Father, "help me!" or simply say," Jesus!" There IS power in His name. I won't write about the misery of the 3 days. I will say that I had forgotten how horrible they were in the past.

I got past Sunday :) Monday I began feeling more human. I puttered around the house doing a few things. Tuesday I felt more human again and actually ran a few errands in town. I was kind of weak-ish but needed to be out doing things. Then I did a few more things around the house. I am trying to sort out how things will be after my chemo sits. What I am thinking is that Friday to Monday I will be pretty much useless and then begin feeling a little more human on Monday till Friday morning-ish. I have tingles in my fingertips that I am praying doesn't go to the prickles of neuropathy. 

I have plans to workout my lymphatic system on my mini trampoline on the days I am feeling more human. This will be a new routine. I believe that doing this will help the horrible aches and all after treatments. We shall see :)

I have a Facebook account. I am going to gripe so stop reading if you don't want to think negatively of me :) When I read certain posts I just want to seriously tell some of those people...STOP your stupid complaining about non -essentials or your stinkin' minor issues! I HAVE CANCER and it is in lymph nodes! I am going to go bald! I feel like crap 3 or so days a week during treatments! I would not wish this on my worst enemy and you sit there like your life stinks! or that your issues are so major!...I honestly grimace and shake my head at some posts. I don't allow myself to finish reading the "poor me's" or the negatives. Sure, I know to them they must be a major big deal. But we (my family and I) are going through a time that I never thought we would have to go through. I hate that I am not the wife and friend for my husband that he needs! I hate that I am not the able bodied mom my son at home needs! I hate that I am not the mom or mother in law I so want to be! Cancer stinks! 

So the other night I was lying in bed and I told Father, "I have so many losses!" He scolded me lovingly, "Don't count your losses!" I sighed of course knowing He was right...He is always right! :) So, I began to think through my blessings and praising Him for the things I do have and will have. It helps so much to praise and gives thanks. I have also found it helps tremendously when I pray for other people and their issues...which I also did then.

I sit here grinning because I had debated on whether or not to let you in on my heart, soul, and mind. But I did it. I will continue to do so. It is WHO I am after all. I am FAR from perfect! I try not to let the negatives get to me. I laugh again at myself because I am thinking of some of those Facebook posts and what I would really like to say to some people...never will I! Just know that you "poor me's" with your hang nails or whatever...or your colds that everyone is getting...know that those things are curable. They will not last! Sniffle through them! Yeah I may sound like a crab or whatever! (laughing here) and maybe I am! I have never claimed to be anything but who and what I am...and usually I am a compassionate, peace-filled (Crazy Peace yeah got it), joy-filled lady...I actually still am....I just guess I get a bit ummm the word isn't righteously ticked...guess the word is simply...rightfully ticked. I think so anyhow... :) I warned you that I would speak my mind and not sugar coat. Again, I laugh inside my head...because I can. 

I have no idea what lies ahead. I know I have a 2 hour treatment today. I am not sure how I will feel but will know in a day or so. After this treatment, I will know more or less what I am in for after chemo. Last week being the 5 our (2 chemo med) treatment and today being the 2 hour (1 chemo med) treatment. Then I get 2 weeks off! YES!!! Two weeks of freedom!!! I am ecstatic!!! 

I still have my hair and likely will until after my next 5 hour sit. I am thankful for that! I don't look or feel ugly yet! Yeah, I said I would rock it this time! I plan to. I will try to see the baldness as a time saver :) The thing with this new cancer is there is no end date to treatment. Only Father knows! He sees the BIG picture. So, I go through this adventure, trusting, hoping, living...dealing with feeling miserable at times...enjoying time with family...praying that the cancer is healed and there is no more left in my body.

I've rambled. I may have caused some of you to think less of me. So be it! My husband is sometimes surprised at what I say here. That's okay. I am the personality type that in day to day speaking, won't truly tell you my inner most being thoughts. But here, this blog, this is my therapy. I had blogs for my brain tumor and the breast cancer that were both very therapeutic for me. So, here, I vent! Here I laugh! Here I can joke about things! Here I can tell you, that YES! Jesus is my ROCK! He is my Strength! He is my Hope! My soul sings because of Him! I laugh hoping you didn't stop reading up there when I vented because here and now I am being ME...being positive...grinning as I know Father is reading what I tell you. 

I have neglected my other blog far too long. It is a blog Father and I write together. I need to get back writing it as we totally enjoy that time together! 

I'll take a pause now. Please know that my gabbing here does help me even if no one reads this blog. I work things out as I write :) It's who I am. Thank you to those of you who are praying for me! That is so encouraging! Keep Hope alive!