~Sleepless~

I tried sleeping...I tried praying...I tried tummy breathing...My mind is too restless and I am needing to write...it is my therapy...my oxygen...

Once again I remind you that I am me here...well maybe I am not so me as this chemo brain really is a thing and on this dealing with the last day of my hellish week I am grumpy and I know I am grumpy and I just let it out and then laugh about it with whomever I am grumpy to...so...as I have said in previous writings here...read me at your own risk...well actually I think that phrase is a first for me here but read me knowing it is your option because here I am real...whatever my "real" is at the time...

I thought I would get here this past week and write...I wrote in my head...I had so many things I was telling you...but the things I wrote in my head never made it here because although my mind was restless and needing to express itself my body didn't want to sit here or it couldn't sit here due to pain, nausea, dizziness, or faitgue. So you have no idea what things I shared with you mentally and I have also forgotten...we will just begin anew!

This was now actually my best worst week. To describe it for you??? Well, Monday was my 5 hour sit and a dear friend took me to my chemo treatment so that my husband could be with our son who is now out of school for the summer. Tuesday I pushed myself to get things done in town such as banking and store runs. I know thinking clearly and energy won't last long. Wednesday I started going down. I think I did some laundry and we had take out pizza for dinner. Thursday? What was Thursday? Was it even on the calendar? I believe I was in bed most of the day with symptoms at full throttle!...Fatigue...Pain...Dizziness...Nausea...Yeah I was worthless. I can barely pick up my head on Thursday. Thankfully a friend treated us with a homemade meal. Friday? Let me think...Friday I wanted to look awake for our son...My dizziness was amazing and not in a good way. My fatigue and aches..uhhh well yeah not good either....I sat on the loveseat in pajamas all day. I force myself to move to keep circulation going so I get up for food and drinks and of course bathroom times. The television gets boring. I can't concentrate to read at all during this week. God and I do some talking but not as much as usual so I always tell him, as my head hits my pillow, that I miss our times of communication and my journal writing to Him but that I am glad he understands that I just have no concentration or energy for that. I feel His smile upon me. Saturday? I need to think again. Saturday I shower...since I haven't since Wednesday...Oh I sponge bathe but that isn't the same thing to me....Saturday I am up a little more with extremely week knees, dizziness, and some fatigue. The pain is less. I can do dishes and minor things around the house.I also did some laundry...and I iron. My husband grilled steaks...I needed the iron. Sunday...well Sunday I crashed in bed as I was up for 2 hours during the early morning hours with calves and feet that felt like they were going to explode...so I took extra strength Tylenol to settle it down and went back to bed. So, Sunday I got up and showered around 10:40 a.m. We had take out Chinese for Sunday dinner. Most of Sunday loveseat sitting with doing some minor things around the house. I was dressed today! 

It is tomorrow already...lol...So today in just a few hours I begin my 2 hour chemo treatment. My dear friend will take me again so that my husband and son can do fun things. I am thankful that this is my tolerable week. This means that I will be dizzy and fatigued with aches and pains...and I will begin feeling normalish around Saturday...probably by next Monday I will feel okay. THEN I begin my 2 weeks of freedom...July 8th! 

So, a lot of things go through my mind during the hellish week. Things like...I am grateful that I don't have this any worse than I do....like I am so much more in awe of my sister who lost her fight with cancer back in 2011. She was truly a fighter and my hero. I can't imagine what all she had to deal with. I know she had her times of true frustration but to me she rarely talked about them. She was an amazing lady and I am thankful that she was my friend and sister.

I start thinking sad or negative things and Father checks up on those thoughts. So then I thank Him that I have life...that He is Truth and Life! I am always reminding Him that I want to live a long healthy life for my family. I tell Him I know they could survive without me as they have Him also but that I want to be here for them and I want to go through there life things with them and I just want to be able to be in their presence...just watching them when we are together. I tell Him I do miss my mom and my dad and my sister...but that I don't want to be with them just yet...I can wait (smile). 

There are more losses...ha and boo! My hair was lost back in March...and now the frame of my glasses covers the loss of my eyebrows...but nothing can cover the loss of my eyelashes...yeah so...I am bald, eyelash-less and eyebrow-less. It's not the look I like but then Father reminds me..."you have life...what's the loss of some hair?" Once I am over the hair bit, cause you just feel so ick looking, I thank Him for my life. I thank Him for His companionship. 

This morning was a strange experience...who'd have known tears were held in by eyelashes (grins). I was waking with my head on my pillow and tears started streaming down my face. No idea why I had them...but there were no barriers....it happened later in the day too. So tissues will be my friend. I already had lost the nose hairs which are a nice barrier...yes nose hairs hold in mucus....tissues! It's embarrassing as you stand talking to someone and your nose just starts dripping.

My mind has been all over the place in its thinking this past week.  I hate putting my family through this. I really don't like that my husband has to take on so much. I was thinking something before I came to my computer to write. What was it? 

My husband and I were talking to each other prior to going to bed about whether or not we should bring in the bird feeders as we have townie deer who like to clean them out. Just as he was saying maybe it would be okay, he looked out the window and saw a huge deer at a feeder. He went out to get the feeder and the deer moved just a few feet away. He called me out to see the deer. I stood on our porch as the deer just looked at us as if to say, "will you two please leave, you interrupted my dinner." We stood talking about the deer for a few minutes and my husband took the feeder to the garage. Moments like that...sharing a townie deer time with my husband are not huge momentous occasions but they are sweet little moments...little tidbit times...that is what life is made up of. Life is all sorts of little moments. Sweet memories. 

Father knows my heart! Father knows my mind! Father knows my soul! Father knows me inside and out! Father created me! Jesus is my song in my heart! The Holy Spirit is my comforter and guide! I cannot imagine life without being a Jesus follower! Every day...as "they" say...is a gift! I live one day at a time. I don't like to "date" things on a calendar. I don't like to measure time. My life is moment by moment! Memory by memory!