~Smatterings~

Well here we are again...a night of sleeplessness...so I will share with you smatterings from my mind...read me or not...the choice, as always is yours, as you know I simply say here whatever comes to mind...no holds barred.

So hey, let's all say a big WAHOOOOOOOOO! This is the end of my last hellish week! It is over! This next week is what I label the more tolerable week...and this too shall be my last. This next week I will have chemo...then Tuesday be fairly okay. The rest of the week I will be fatigued, wobbly, and achy. My body will want to just sit (or lie down) and be blah while my brain becomes active and wants to roam around and come to life. The thing is, it won't as the body part of me is poo. So, I will be frustrated because my active brain will be organizing cupboards and closets...getting rid of things...walking my dogs...running active will all sorts of things I want to write or do...it's frustrating but I have gained an understanding of people who go through some sort of trauma and have all sorts of brain activity while the body simply says, "it's a no go".

I am craving fried zucchini and corn on the cob and it's midnight. Doesn't that sound just so yummy though? The sad thing is, neither are in my house so I couldn't cook them if I wanted to. I want to try corn on the cob in my instant pot...I read it's really easy and tasty. 

I sit here grinning because of my mind...I do have chemo brain...whatever that means to you all...to me...it's kind of like fried, forgetful, and bold. I grin because sometimes I would love to use my chemo brain as an excuse to just let things fall out...let what  I really think about some things out with no filter. Oh hush! You know you'd like to do that too at times. I am sitting here laughing because I would love to have a "no holds barred" freedom of mind. The thing is, I can't use chemo as an excuse to let all honesty out. I know better. Oh I have the chemo forgetful fuzzy brain...no doubt about that. But I can't use the excuse of chemo for "no holds barred".

I sit and sigh wondering if I will ever have hair again. I miss my eyelashes and eyebrows. I look at women and think, "you have to fuss with your hair and I don't". But sometimes I do miss having hair. I grin because it was just a new style I liked when I lost it. I tear now because of that! My beautician has the gift of creating your style that suits you and it was just looking good back in February...then I lost it in March. I tell myself I am fine with being bald...I guess I am. I am glad they make cute hats and things. I like to wear the newsboy hats when I am out and about.

I will see my oncologist September 11th and we will discuss the PET scan I will have had in August. We will also go over my new treatments. I believe there will be a new immunotherapy treatment along with some chemo used. That's all I know for now. I will have a nice break from treatments as this week will be my last until new ones start after I see my oncologist. I'll feel a little normal for a while...which makes me grin. 

I have these heart to heart talks with Jesus. As you know, I tell Him that I want to live a long healthy life with my guys and my daughter-in-law. I also tell Him I am tired of having to deal with cancer but that I know I don't have it as bad as many people do so I am thankful for that. I tell Him I know I wasn't a super active person but that I miss how active I was. I miss feeling good daily. Okay, so yes, I whine to Him sometimes but He is the One to pour my heart out to and He already knows all these things I vent to Him anyhow.

It's funny how when you are young you have this "how my life will be when I grow up" idea in your head. I never imagined I would lose my mom to cancer when I was 7 and she was 37. I never thought my dad would pass on at the age of 62 and I was 32 and just going to have our second son. I never dreamed that my 51 year old sister would join my parents and her weekly phone calls would end. I never thought I would have a brain tumor. I praise God that the scar is just above my left eyebrow...wait! My eyebrows are gone. I didn't think I would nearly die from cellulitis and be pumped with meds for three days in the hospital. I had no idea that I  would get breast cancer. Then this, I never dreamed that I would get secondary breast cancer. Through all of these "non-white-picket fence" life happenings, I have had wonderfully supportive family and friends. Father has been with me through it all! Through it ALL!

As we were communicating earlier tonight, I told Him I knew I didn't have life as bad as some. I thanked Him for that. I started going through the words He gave me at the onset of this cancer. I thanked Him that I could Trust Him with my Life and that I could have Hope in Him. I thanked Him for being alongside me in ALL ways. I know I would be a mess if He wasn't in my life.

I also reminded us that we are focusing on LIFE and my life with Him and all that we can do together. I want to tell you about a little book I read and the word that was given to me as my Life Word but I don't want you to think..."oh she's all woo hoo pat myself on the back" because I do not do that! I simply want to share with you briefly about the book and my word. I read a little book (42 minute read), Life Word. It was all about what your own personal word for life is. On a page it was giving some samples...a lot of sample words...and as I was reading and praying, I came across the word, "inspire". Well, honestly when I read that word, I saw twinkling tiny blueish stars light up all around it. God whispered, "that's your word...that is who you are". My life word is Inspire! He and I talked about it. I had never thought of myself as one who would inspire. Father reminded me of the ways He uses me to inspire...the main one being my passion for writing. I love to write and am frustrated when I am not able to write. I shared that with you merely to tell you that in all of THIS cancer stuff I know it is my God-given word to Inspire...well I know that God uses what I go through to bring my word to life because He gave that to me. As I said, I didn't want to tell you my word so that you would say, "oh yay her! she thinks she is something!" NO! I am nothing without Him...for one thing....and we ALL have a Life Word. The word we are to live out for others. Anyhow, that is that and I love to write...grinning here.

My dear friend is taking me to this last treatment and a few hours. I am thankful for her availability! Thank you again to those of you who pray for me and encourage me. God knows when to tap your shoulders...I say that an giggle...but it is true. You all are wonderful!