~What A Weak~

Yes, you read the title correctly...and by the way I am sleepless again. The thing is I have to get up around 6 a.m. but I will survive (grins). So, yes...this weak...er week...was my first week free of chemo...well, with each treatment it stays in my body longer...this week was not so peachy. I still had aches, dizziness, and tiredness through Thursday. To be honest I was quite frustrated.

Finally on Friday the aches were gone and I had  more strength. I should be feeling better daily now (smiles). I am so thankful for these next five (or so) weeks of no treatments.

This summer has gone too fast. I don't like that I spent about half of the time with treatments and not feeling well...but Yes! I am alive (smiles). I feel bad for my husband and son though as they had to deal with a "poo" wife and mom. I do have a terrific husband who made my "poo" days enjoyable for my son in a variety of ways...going to baseball games, going swimming, going biking, going fishing...I know my rough days are rough on him too. 

We will be married for 32 years as of August 15th. It was a sweltering day back in 1987 and we stood before family and friends repeating our vows...not knowing truly what we were in for when we said the vow..."in sickness and in health". As you have read in my past blog entries, we have dealt with a lot of health issues on my behalf. 

As I said, this past week was not peachy. Most of the weak (yes that is how I want to spell it) my arms and legs felt like wet noodles and achy. Oh! I am so thankful to be over that!

I do get joy out of watching the birds from my living room window....just thought I'd throw that in here.

Father and I had a talk the other day that I may wish I hadn't (grins). I was gabbing away with Him and pausing to listen also...but in my gabbing I said something to Him about even if my hair doesn't grow back as long as I live a long and healthy life for my family I would be okay with that. Well ICK! The thing is, too often when I say things like that (I don't make "deals" with Him) the "thing" has come true (grins). So, tonight I was talking with Father and reminded Him of that conversation and told Him that it would be really cool if my hair could some day grow back. I was whispered to by the Holy Spirit that Father sees the BIG picture and He sees "down the road" as to what lies ahead for me. No I wasn't given any hints as to what that was. But Father knows! I thanked Him for always being there with me and that He has so much compassion and care for me. A song comes to mind..."Lead me along the path, lead me along the winding way, I trust enough to never need the why if you'll take me to the where, Lead me along the path, Lead me along the winding way, I don't know what's around the corner Lord but I know that you'll be there". He and I are on a path together in all of this. As the words say, I TRUST enough not to need the WHY. 

In all of this...(grinning as I think)...I have realized what it is to truly trust Father. Trust is when you don't question. You simply know that Father knows best (grins). Seriously though, when you Trust, you don't question. You simply put your life in the hands of Father. The "why's" turn into "what's". "What are you up to with my life, Dad? What are you teaching me?What do you want me to do?"

There is so much going on in my mind, heart, and soul. Father and I have these wonderful times together. This past week I was able to "Livestream" camp meeting services for a little over a week. All of the messages were Holy Spirit inspired...the message givers were really listening to what Father wanted them to share....you could feel it. Because I grew up going to church I have heard several sermons and sometimes could feel like there was nothing new to be said on some of the messages I heard as they were "common" topics or Bible characters to speak about. NOT true! Father and I had a talk about that too. I asked Him to let me hear with fresh ears...and He did! There is always more to understand and more to know! 

The messages were God-given. My heart, mind, and soul were touched! I may have told you before but I have talked with Father about how I don't want to have this cancer be a main focus in my life. HE is to be the main focus in my life. I have told Him that I want to be a soul on fire for Him. THAT is my LIFE! My focus is LIVING and BREATHING Him...so much so that when I talk I want to exhale Jesus...so that it is Him who is seen flowing through me. Oh I haven't "arrived" but that is what Jesus and I are working on.

One of the speakers gave a challenge in saying that we (Jesus followers) should be so in love with Jesus that we just want to do everything we can to show Him that we love Him. He challenged us to talk about Him often with others whether we know the person or not...to find ways to bring Him up. 

Living Jesus! My focus! Cancer? It's in my body but it will not become a "thing"...this is my prayer. LIVING JESUS in my LIFE...My PURPOSE!